The aftermath of chaos.

I am one of only a few people I know who fit the profile of a true extrovert. I absolutely gain momentum and energy from contact with others, preferably in large numbers. This weekend, I had an opportunity to both soak up refreshement and engage in the most thrilling part of an extrovert's life: Intelligent & Intense Conversation. My community co-hosted, along with many others, a weekend of memory, honor and relationship around the legacy of two of our brothers gone on to the church triumphant. I'd like to unpack some things which have been spinning around in my head, but first some fangirl squee.

• OMG so many people!!!
• Oh, and did I mention, people?
• I actually had a house guest. Yep, me. And she's been living my life. Oh, and she stayed for two nights! Hey down in Lexington!
• Wow, my internet crush is even hotter in real life than on his blog! Too bad I was terrified to speak to him.
• It doesn't pay to idolize people because the reward you get from confessing your intimidation to them is an open door and a great hug! So much better than all of the angstyness you get from the aforementioned idolization. Plus, doesn't the Bible have something to say about idols?

Ok, so on to the unpacking. Without naming names and being accused of the sin of meanness, I was a little nonplussed by some of the ideas bandied about as new or innovative. Perhaps my good fortune in my early religious education is more valuable than I realize, but some of these thoughts were more contemporary to my man Luther and his pals. That having been said, the fact is that the conversation's direction indicated to me that the hard line between clergy and laity is getting much blurrier for all the right reasons. Not so much as to throw out the value of the true vocational aspect of ordained persons, but so as to affirm and restablish the role and function of the "priesthood of all believers" in what I firmly believe is a divinely instituted partnership. I won't go so far as to say I saw evidence of zeal per se, but the enthusiasm was encouraging. I would like to write something on my understanding of the roles of clergy/laity, but another time. (NB: I promise not to let it be a year from now!)

Another astonishing moment for me was connecting the dots between a getting-to-know-you conversation and some really gritty, in-the trenches approaches to reading/sharing scripture. Bob, if you ever read this, your candid words spoke volumes to me. I'm not certain I'll ever approach ministry/evangelism with the same distaste as I once did. This is an enormous breakthrough for me. Growing up Lutheran, sharing scripture is not something one did. Reading the bible in groups was almost unheard of outside the context of the lectionary portions for that week's worship gathering. The approach in which you connect to the reality of your friends/parishoners/brothers&sisters has shamed me and given me new eyes to see the truth of Christ. For that, I'm not sure I can ever adequately thank you. I hope to honor your courage and openness to the Spirit in the day to day life I choose to lead from here on out.

One more thing I'll leave you all with is the open-ended conversation the Kecks were willing to start on Femininity and gender roles, especially within the church. I had one of those fleeting, crystalline moments where I accepted a place at the table. Those of you who know anything about me will understand that I've been dragging a mantle of victimness around when it comes to being worthy to participate in the big conversations about important ideas. I've dropped that, finally! Praise be to Christ. In it's place, I've a new drive to really ask myself, and others, what does it mean to be a woman, or feminine. This is, hopefully, a lifelong pursuit. We'll see. But as I've written to a friend, I'm not sure we'll see the fruits of the new paradigm in our lifetime. The thing is, though, that we might be able to create a way of being that shows the generational hurts surrounding women & the church as a moment of historical anomaly instead of the true plan for creation. more on this to come.

So, in summation, this was a watershed moment for me. Some of the baggage I've been dragging for my entire adult lfe has fallen away. Some new questions are percolating in this big brain of mine. My heart feels the presence of Spirit now more than ever before. Lord take my life and lead me. Allow me the grace of understanding the path you've set. Give me the strength and courage to continue moving ever more close to you. Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

Caving in to peer pressure

I think that part of why I retreat from this public airing of my ideas is because I get caught up in the notion that I have to be liked by everyone in the world. If I have something to say that is in the least controversial, I might upset some people and then I won't be liked. See how the circle goes? Vicious and not helpful in the least. I am so tired of dragging that crap around with me. It is draining and impoverishing to say nothing of the damage it does to my daughter and my friends/family.

Kinda selfish when you really break it down. I mean, if I censor what I want to say so as not to offend, I'm lying. (By this I mean changing the essence of the thought rather than choosing my words carefully). If I don't write anything, I'm lying. (Because I really do have things to say and opinions and stuff). If all I do is recount the minutia of my daily life, I'm not sharing ideas and possibly stirring up some great debate or something that approximates a discussion.

Understand that I didn't start this thing years ago to simply be my memory box. I wanted to improve my writing by putting it in a public forum. I hoped to connect with the outside world during the time my daughter was tiny and I needed to be at home with her. Now it's, what? 5 years later? Lots of things have changed, most for the better. I'm finding myself with more to say. I've said most of this stuff before as a resolution to post more often. I think I'll just leave this lie here. I'm tired of going in circles. I'm ready to move along.

So, in the intrest of no one but me and my mad writing skills, throw some topics at me. What would you, my surprisingly faithful readers, like to see here? I won't make wild promises, but if one or more of you give me something meaty, I agree to credit you as the muse! Unless you don't like what I have to say. Then I'll just run away again.....Not!

Sssshhhh...Don't tell anyone what you're thinking. You have no leg to stand on with that line of thought. Your voice shouldn't be heard. You don't have a degree, so you have no right to engage in big, intellectual discussions. Boys don't marry girls who are too smart for their own good, so go over and talk about homey stuff with the rest of the women.....

Get the gist?

These are the lies the enemy whispers to me. These are the lies I've believed for most of my adult life. In some small moments, I am able to squelch the white noise they use to distract me from my life. Mostly, though, I buy in to what they say and become smaller, diminish and go into the West.

So why does this come up today in particular? Because of the big to-do at my house this weekend. Some of the big thinkers in our tribe will be breaking out the God-Talk. I long to jump in, but am fettered by the fear I harbor, based on the lies I believe. Please, please, please let me put this fear aside. Let me understand that I do have a voice and it deserves to be heard. Please let me be who I am, unafraid and joyfully.....Please, God, let me be the me you made.

Kyrie Eleison

I have just engaged in a flame war on Aaron's blog comments. Noone EVER said I was particularly bright, but something just told me to go with this. I'm just a bulldog when it seems as if someone is attacking one of mine. Go check it out if you get a chance. He's at kline.blogspot.com....Pray mercy for me, too, while you're at it.

Dear Everyone who still checks in here....


I am in a transitional phase right now. My corporate job is sucking my soul and I need to make some SERIOUS changes in my worklife. To that end I toss you all this nugget:

I am looking for a new job or means of income. I need to clear at least $1200/mo to meet my expenses and maintain my current ability to support my child. I can only work Mon-Fri 9-3 and need benefits. I want to do something which is not terribly related to a corporate entity. I have serious skills surrounding editing and all things bookish. I have managed people from both sides of the bar and have made my living selling stuff. I am not afraid of hard work. Oh yeah, and I want to go back to school ASAP to finish my degree.

I realize that there are many more worthy causes to support, but I figured I'd toss this out. If you have any leads or spare cash (LOL), send them my way.....

Shiny!!!


Tomorrow night's the night. I would be remiss if I didn't thank my very good friend, Thurman for opening my eyes to the wonder that is the Serenity 'verse. This has been a good year for cinematic anticipation: Star Wars (don't go there, we covered THAT ground months ago), Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Serenity and Narnia all in one year. Wow. But this week is for all things Joss. So the shindig's all set to happen and I'm all shiny inside.

And now for something that will not surprise anyone:

You scored as Hoban 'Wash' Washburne. The Pilot. You are a leaf on the wind, see how you soar. You have a good job, and a stunning wife who loves you (and can kill people). Life is good, which is why you can't help smiling. Now if you can just get people to actually listen to your opinion things would be perfect. Hoban 'Wash' Washburne 100% Kaylee Frye 75% Zoe Alleyne Washburne 69% Simon Tam 63% Shepherd Derrial Book 63% The Operative 63% River Tam 56% Inara Serra 50% Capt. Mal Reynolds 50% Jayne Cobb 38% Which Serenity character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Ok....Here we go.


For those of you in the know, I have a message for one of you. Yes, you. You know who you are. Two words and a tag line:


Game On!!!!!


ps...love you!